DATING IN L.A., CASE #1251

Tuesday

I met a cute girl in the hummus section of Gelson’s in Sherman Oaks. She asked me if hummus was gluten free. I told her it was. She asked me if I was sure. We looked over some labels. She kept touching me, entering my space. I didn’t mind. We concluded that hummus is indeed gluten free, as it is a mashed vegetable. She said she was Italian. I said I liked Italians. She asked me what kind of Asian was I. The best kind, I said. She said she has a lot of Asian friends but has never dated an Asian guy. I said it was about time she started. We exchanged numbers.

I recommended the mediterranean hummus.  Spicy.  She said it was too fattening and picked up a yogurt hummus.  I laughed and said she didn’t have to worry about weight, but finally concurred.  She put the tub in her cart.  We hugged goodbye.  She went off to look for wine.  I went home to Google her number.

One thing came up. She has a medical condition. Is part of a group in LA with that condition. Not a red flag. Not a big deal. A lot of people have medical conditions. I have several mental conditions. No criminal record. No arrest warrants. No appearances on TMZ. I liked her. Looks great. Great personality. Fun girl. GO TIME.

Two hours after Gelson’s, I texted her. Let’s call her Liz (not her real name).

RICH
What up, Miss Italian Babe. How’s that hummus?

LIZ
lol I didn’t get the hummus. How are you

Wednesday

RICH
Hey Liz sorry for the delay. I went for coworker birthday drinks and didn’t get home til late. Um you didn’t get the hummus I recommended? What! Ha ha.

LIZ
lol

LIZ
Too many calories, remember

RICH
Oh yeah! Hows your day going?

LIZ
Tired

RICH
Me too. Whats your excuse?

LIZ
Didn’t sleep well

RICH
Ah sorry to hear. Are you free tomorrow evening for coffee?

LIZ
Can’t. Babysitting for my niece

RICH
Ah, how about Friday evening?

(24 hours and no response.)

Thursday

RICH
Hey girl, you free tomorrow?

LIZ
Just got up. Not feeling so good. Tomorrow not good. How about next week

RICH
Hey sorry you aren’t feeling well. Better now? Lets go out next week for sure.

LIZ
Okay

(Friday and Saturday pass. I go to 3 bars in two nights. But that’s a story for another day.)

Sunday

RICH
In a recent survey, 9 out of 10 Gelson’s employees agree that hummus is gluten free.

LIZ
Lol

Monday

RICH
How was your weekend?

(no response. Then 32 hours later…)

Tuesday

LIZ
Hey

Wednesday

RICH
Hi. Just got up. You never told me how your weekend was.

LIZ
? Who is this?

Wait, what?

What??

I’m weirded out. Really weirded out.

“Who is this?” Who is this?? We’ve only been talking for days. A better question is — Who are you?

I don’t respond.

Ten minutes later, she calls me on my phone.

I don’t pick up.

It goes to voicemail. Now, my outgoing message says my name. She doesn’t leave a message. But immediately after listening to my outgoing message, she texts again.

LIZ
Rich?

RICH
Yeah! Did you lose my number? You only texted me last night! 😛

LIZ
From where?

A sinking feeling. I pause several minutes and finally write back:

RICH
What do you mean? You mean, where do you know me from?

LIZ
Yea

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Who is this lunatic?

The last straw.

I text her back one word:

RICH
Wow.

She writes back.

LIZ
?

I don’t respond.

Five hours later, she calls me again.

I don’t pick up.  I will never pick up.

I delete her number.

Two days later now and she hasn’t called or texted me again.

Thank god.

Bye bye Liz, and fare thee well.

IMG_5431br2

I learned an important lesson about dating in L.A., you guys.

Never pick up girls from the hummus section!

You gotta laugh. 🙂

6 thoughts on “DATING IN L.A., CASE #1251

        1. Richard Hom Post author

          Not sure why she does that. She’s stylish? Haha.

          Yup, it’s my dumb phone. You should see the girls’ faces when I break it out. Hilarious.

          Reply

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